ADDICTIONS

Sex Addictions - Spacer

CO-DEPENDENCY - DELUSIONS OF REALITY

By Synthia Esther

Do you seek to affirm yourself with the approval of others? Do you measure your self esteem by how much someone needs or desires you? Do you discount your own thoughts, feelings and desires on behalf of pleasing others? Do you ignore your values and beliefs while seeking and clinging to the values and beliefs of others? Are you waiting for someone to evolve and change their way of thinking?

People pleasing and approval seeking sums up my definition of co-dependent behavior, which in turn can lead to a compulsive addiction. John 12:43 “for they loved praise from men more than praise from God.” Mathew 10:37-39, “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; (38) and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. (39) Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

The goal of the co-dependent's relationship with an addict is to maintain the false delusion that all is well, when in reality the relationship is a living hell on earth. When you are obsessed and fearful of speaking up and being honest in a relationship you fall for the false illusion that your co-dependent behavior will be a positive factor in keeping the relationship in tact.

MARY WINKLER – MY UGLY CAME OUT

Co Dependency

Mary Winkler shot her husband Mathew, the pastor of Fourth Street Church of Christ in Selmer, Tennessee on March 22, 2006, in the back while he was in bed. After years of domestic problems, abuse and criticism she had reached her boiling point. Mathew Winkler also had a pornography habit, often requiring his timid wife to wear a wig and sexy platform high heels like the women prostitutes and porn activist he often watched. He also made Mary submit to sexual activity she never felt comfortable doing.

Mug ShotMary in CourtMen and women with active pornography habits are most often abusive. Their core heart, mind, and soul is consumed with feeding their self-centered, self consuming addiction. Like a child in a candy store, a person addicted to pornography will eventually get sick from consuming too much eye perversion that often has the abuse of women as its sexual content. In their secret double life and sickness they often become hostile, angry, and aggressive, with rape being a common fantasy they act open (reference article: Addiction Definition And Hypothesis).

Mary Winkler, 33, states on tape while crying during questioning by Alabama officials: “Its just a lot of stupid stuff. I love him dearly, but gosh, he just nailed me in the ground. The first of our marriage I just took it like a mouse, didn't think anything different. My Mom just took it from my Dad, that stupid scenario.” Mary Winkler got a job at the post office which taught her to stand up for her self. “That's the problem. I have nerve now, and I have self esteem. My ugly came out.”

Winkler was found guilty of voluntary manslaughter. She received a three year sentence, spent a total of 7 months in custody, is facing a $2 million dollar civil suit filed by the parents of her slain husband, and hasn't seen her three daughters in over a year. During a Oprah Winfrey show interview, September 13, 2007, Mary still professed her love for Mathew, stating she misses him. She also confirmed wanting to get her children back.

Timeline

BREAKING THE CYCLE OF ABUSE AND CO-DEPENDENCY

Mary Winkler snapped the day she shot her husband Mathew. There was another way to stand up to the abuse. If she had sought help...if she had just gotten in touch with needed resources from a battered womens shelter or crisis center. She could have called the police to help her obtain a restraining order, gone to the local library for books, research, or on line computer resources, called the National Domestic Violence Hot Line 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-799-SAFE. Now her husband is dead, she is still suffering, and her children are being raised by someone else.

The co-dependent mind often ignores the truth of who they are, preferring to believe in a delusion that they are “what and who” another person needs them to be. The pay off for their co-dependent, passive behavior is that they keep their illusive dream of what could be alive, rather than face the reality of what is. Co-dependency is often played out in a submission and dominance, power and control relationship filled with abuse, denial, and delusion.

CAMERON AND JANICE HOOKER – A SLAVE AND MASTER RELATIONSHIP

Perfect VictimJanice Hooker, an epileptic, helped her husband Cameron, who had a sadistic addiction to pornography and sex, kidnap Colleen Stan (a.k.a. “Carol Smith”), who spent the next 7 years as Cameron's slave. Janice and Cameron even had sex while Colleen hung suspended above them after enduring a brutal beating and torture session. Colleen was locked in ventilated wooden boxes, tortured, electrocuted, beaten, repeatedly assaulted, and made to live in a wooden box crafted by Cameron under neath the couples water bed. Janice gradually started seeing the light, as she read the Bible and began attending a Nazarene Church (reference article and story, “D.S.B. Queen ”).

You may ask why would someone do such a thing? Extreme co-dependency behavior does not happen over night, instead it is a gradual process. Ephesians 4:18, “They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.” 2nd Peter 2:19, “They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity – for a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him.”

Janice's actions are not uncommon as many co-dependents turn a blinds eye to what is happening around them in order to protect their self centered desires and interest. Across the world co-dependent personality types often watch with a blinds eye as their own children are molested by a parent, grandparent, step-parent, cousin, uncle, etc... The more you compromise your conscious, the more evil abounds.

NO ONE CAN COMPLETE YOU EXCEPT God

Placing the approval of man above the approval of God is a deceptive, attractive snare that promotes idol worship. “In the midst of deception; in their deceit they refuse to acknowledge me, declares the Lord” (Jeremiah 9:6). No one can complete you and fill the empty hole in your heart except God. It is God's desire for His children to look towards Him as their source of approval and self worth.

Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in Him (Psalm 32:10). Placing our feelings aside, we learn to trust in the Lord with all our heart, leaning not on our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6). No longer in denial we make the choice to live life according to God's will, instead of our own. We choose to grow in faith, instead of giving in to self fulfilling desire, counting our lessons in life as a blessing.

With personal choices made, we follow a sacred pursuit path on a new road of personal transformation, eternal significance, honor, spiritual purpose and growth (Proverbs chapter 2). We are not alone as God walks with us on our journey, healing the damaged, emotional wounds of our past. We ask God to direct our footsteps according to His word: let no sin rule over us. Redeem us from the oppression of men, that we may obey your precepts (Psalm 119:133-134).

ADDITIONAL READING RESOURCES BY SYNTHIA ESTHER

 

*Warning: Some articles contain graphic sexual content. Parental discretion is advised.

Please Note:
Resources and information listed are provided as a public service. Synthia Esther Ministries does not endorse, sponsor, promote or provide funding to, nor do we receive funding from any organization, group, website or persons listed. We are self funding, supported by personal donations to this ministry. To keep Synthia Esther Ministries website on the world wide web and support our global message of salvation and spiritual transformation through Jesus Christ, your donation and support is greatly needed and appreciated. For more information on how you can become a ministry team member please click here.

Sex Addictions - Spacer