By Synthia Esther

     It was a beautiful day, I was outside planting some flowers by my mailbox when Leeann, one of my neighbors, introduced me to Ryan, another neighborhood single who was on a bike run. Leeann soon left while Ryan continued to help me with my horticultural project. Upon completion of the job, we parted as friends. Over the next few weeks, another friend and neighbor, Angie, called to tell me Ryan had been riding his bike over to my house with a water pan in hand, watering the flowers we had planted together. I called to thank him for the gesture, and our friendship grew from there. During many lengthy conversations, we discovered how much we had in common and started dating. I remember our first date. We went for a walk in an area park, and eventually settled down sitting on a wooden bench on a deck. The area was surrounded by and under various large trees with shaded limbs overlooking a gently running water creek. We opened a chilled bottle of wine and sipped it as we talked. Ryan had brought a book to read called the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis. With his head in my lap, he read from its pages.

     The day was beautiful and the weather pleasant. The birds singing in the background and the water running in the creek made the atmosphere even more serene. We eventually gathered our belongings and proceeded to a quaint restaurant to eat dinner. I found Ryan to have a romantic sensitive side, unlike any man I had ever dated. He was thoughtful, caring, intelligent, professional, and a protestant Christian who attended church on a regular basis.

     Ryan confided in me recounting that it was his ex-wife Darla that wanted their divorce, not him. He spoke of the events with tears in his eyes, “One day, everything was fine between us, and the next day she was in the spare bedroom. Three weeks later, she filed for divorce giving no chance for reconciliation. I was in total shock and never knew anything was wrong.” Ryan had met Darla in their National Reserve Guard unit where they were both pilots, and commercial airline pilots, as well. I felt sorry for him as he seemed to genuinely want to work at his marriage, but his ex-wife gave him no recourse. He even mentioned breaking off an engagement with an ex-finance named Roslyn to date Darla. Now that was all history, and I felt God had literally sent Ryan, a successful, unabashed romantic gentleman to my door step.

     We were together when the the tragic events of 911 occurred, changing not only the course of our lives, but all of America. Ryan was laid off from the commercial airline he worked for and deployed to Iraq with the Air National Guard unit he was in. Tours of duty followed to Puerto Rico, Chile, and back to Iraq. We had been dating two and a half years when he was once again deployed to Iraq. We talked of getting married, he put his house up for sale moving his belongings into my house in case his home sold while he was stationed in Iraq. He felt the need to down size, having been laid off from the commercial airline he worked for and I wanted to wait until his war duties were over before making any definite marital plans.

     Life with Ryan was not like it was when we first dated. We both faced a lot of uncertainties. Ryan included me in his will, and he gave me his power of attorney right before leaving the United States. He also left me his lap top computer so we would be able to send e-mails to each other. I had not taken much interest in computer technology, and was extremely computer illiterate, but it was a way to stay better connected.

     While in Iraq, Ryan got a morale call home once a week. Our conversations revolved around how much we missed and loved each other. About two weeks before Ryan was to return home, the computer crashed and would not come back on. During a morale call, Ryan told me to just turn it on and off everyday or so, and maybe it would boot itself back up. I did and nothing happened until about four or five days later when I was on the phone with one of my girlfriends, Jane, when I once again turned the computer on and off. Suddenly I saw graphic images of hard core pornography flashing across the screen. I asked Jane why she thought porn was coming out of Ryan's crashed and now running computer. She replied in a factual tone, “What goes in, is what comes out! If porn is coming out, he's been looking at porn.”

     For the next eight hours she was like an angel sent by God, staying on the telephone with me, helping me through the hacking process of getting into sites he had visited, hidden files, and his computer cookies. The next day, I got another close friend who worked in Internet security with such big clients as the United States Government, to help me delve into the computer files by giving me a hands on crash course.

PORNOGRAPHY IS A PSEUDO RELATIONSHIP

     Ryan's computer contained saved prostitution sites and inquires coinciding with the areas he traveled to, young teen web cams, photos, teen porn sites, “live now” adult chat rooms with video cams, triple X-rated film sites, dating sites, and hundreds of hard core XXX-porn sites and movie rentals. Pornography is a pseudo relationship! I saw hundreds of personal saved photos of women he had Internet sex with, or hired as a prostitute. I also saw a hidden personal file of dozens and dozens of young female body parts (bare breasts and thong buttock), without their faces photographed. These were his “personal photos” of young girls and women and were not taken off of the Internet. Ryan's sexually deviant and secret double life was consumed with obscenity, Internet pornography and sexually acting out. His entire life and time schedule was programmed around his secret sex life. He had also installed porn eraser software to protect his secret from ever being found out.

GOD'S DIVINE PROVIDENCE

     It was God's divine providence that the computer crashed, and when it finally came back on proceeded to show me its contents. 1st Corinthians 4:5, ...”He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts.” Proverbs 19:2, “Many are the plans in a mans heart, but it is the Lords purpose that prevails”. I was raised to always be forth right and honest with people. I never dreamed anyone I was involved with could lead a double life as deceptive, obscene and deviant as Ryan was involved in.

     He always seemed so forth right, religious, and honest. Like Scott Peterson, Ryan had a genuine smile and a smooth and confident countenance. What the psychopath outwardly shows to the world is not truly who they are. I have heard similar stories from other women who felt God had personally led them to discovering hard core evidence and confronting the sin issues, destroying their marriages and relationships. I am reminded of Proverbs 20:6, “ Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?” 1st John 1:6, “If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.”

“ RYAN WAS THE WAR HERO, GOD FEARING CHRISTIAN BY DAY, AND THE SEXUAL DEVIANT BY NIGHT”

     Ryan, the seemingly sensitive, caring man who even prearranged and paid for Valentine flowers to be sent to me while he was in Iraq months before leaving the United States, was leading a double life. The man who use to verbally acknowledge he was in the male protective position when holding me, was a man I should have protected myself from! The man I spent almost three years dating, was a man I really never knew. Ryan was the war hero, God fearing Christian by day, and the sexual deviant by night. Now in shock, between tears and sorrow, I had to face the facts because the facts were facing me.

“ I SAW BEYOND MY FISH BOWL OF LIFE EXPERIENCE, INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE OCEAN OF REALITY”

     I had no idea what I was going to do next, but I knew the same providential God that miraculously allowed the truth to be known would see me through. Because I was weak and weary, my prayers were simple, “Help me God.” Looking back, it is as if God himself laid out bread crumbs for me to follow along a pathway that eventually led not only to healing, but to my victory over a difficult situation. Proverbs 4:11-13, “I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. (12) When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble. (13) Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life.”

     The knowledge I have gained has been a life-changing experience. It has been a walk I would rather not have taken, but reflecting back I am thankful that I did. The trials and tribulations that I faced enabled me to grow past self-limiting behaviors and look at the good, the bad, and the ugly in the world in which we live. No longer in desperation for answers to my questions, I saw beyond my fish bowl of life experience into the depths of the ocean of reality. The only way to escape that reality and the sin problems we incur on earth is to never have been born. God and His will chose other wise, as we are all born for a divine purpose and plan.

     We are each born by God's will and Holy providence to complete a divinely inspired purpose and plan (reference article, “Divine Destiny And The Path Of Forgiveness”). While many never fulfill God's purpose in their life, there are also many who do. The world is filled with people who are searching for bread crumbs that will lead them out of their world of sorrow and into a world of peace and serenity (reference story, “My Sacred Journey Home”).

     Jesus confirms in John 14:27 “Peace I leave you; my peace I give to you.” My painful experiences in life, not only led me closer to Jesus Christ, my Savior, they also gave me one of the greatest gifts on earth, the gift and lesson of forgiveness. Jesus, in His last words while hanging on Calvary's cross, gave us the greatest example of loving forgiveness known to mankind; “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.” It is my desire and prayer that you too will find the gift of peace and serenity that comes with forgiveness, for when you do, your life will never be the same.

SEXUAL ADDICTION, MENTAL INSTABILITY AND DENIAL

     I knew Ryan would be flying a crew home from Iraq, so I deliberately ignored his calls for safety reasons. Being a former flight attendant, I knew what flight safety was all about. Due to stress, I began to experience chest pains and stopped eating and drinking fluids. Then came the flash backs of obscene hard core pornography, prostitution, and sexual XXX - images. It was a dark world I was not familiar with. I went to my doctor, who gave me a complete exam, as well as an EKG, Aids and comprehensive blood test. She also said something I will never forget, “I wouldn't want him to be flying a plane that I had to fly on.” I naively asked why and she replied, “Just think of his mental instability.”

     I had never thought of Ryan's sex addiction causing mental instability. Now, after researching and educating myself concerning the sexual addiction process, the brains nero-chemical pleasure seeking imbalance and its all-consuming pathology, I know she was right on target. You can quote me on this, “Any and every active addiction takes your mind off of your mind! It replaces reality with fantasy and peace for obsession.” Patrick Carnes, PhD., Out of the Shadows – Understanding Sexual Addiction, Bantam Books, page 24, explains impaired mental processes result in faulty problem-solving in all areas of the addicts life.

MENTAL HEALTH AND ADDICTION

     Half of all alcoholics and drug addicts are suffering from mental health problems, including depression, and are self-medicating to mask the systems. The problem of dual diagnosis is so acute that many doctors and hospitals are given official guidance to help them identify people abusing drugs or alcohol who are also mentally ill. Mental health problems are particularly common among homeless peoples and the prison population. Seventy-nine percent of men on remand who use drugs also suffer from mental health disorders. According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists, approximately half of those who use drug and alcohol services have some form of mental health problem, commonly depression or personality disorder (The Independent, Revealed: 50 percent of alcoholics and drug addicts are mentally ill, October 8, 2006, By Marie Woolf and Sophie Goodchild).

     From the Department of Health and Human Services, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, Office of Applied Studies: Serious Mental Illness and Its Co-Occurrence with Substance Use Disorders, 2002, Joan Epstein, Peggy Barker, Michael Vorburger, Christine Murtha: Adults with alcohol dependence or abuse were more likely to have serious mental illness than adults who had used alcohol but did not have dependence or abuse. Although this report focuses on the population with the most severe mental problems, there is also interest in the larger population with any mental disorder and the co-occurrence of substance use disorders among its members.

     According to a U.S. Surgeon General's report, co-occurring disorder have been estimated to affect from 7 million to 10 million adult Americans in any year (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services-DHHS, 1999, see also SAMSHA National Advisory Council, 1998). An estimated 41 to 65 percent of persons with a lifetime substance use disorder have a lifetime history of at least one mental disorder, and about 51 percent of those with one or more lifetime mental disorders also have a history of at least one substance use disorder (U.S. DHHS, 1999). Studies in both clinical samples (Ross, Glaser, & Germanson, 1988; Rounsaville et al., 1991; Wolf et al., 1988) and general population studies (Boyd et al., 1984; Helzer & Pryzbeck, 1988, kessler et al., 1994; Regier et al., 1990), show that co-morbidity is highly prevalent among individuals with mental disorders.

     From Psychiatric News, May 5, 2006, Volume 41, Number 9, page 37, 2006-American Psychiatric Association; Research Advances Aid Treatment Of Co-morbid Substance Disorders, Psychiatrists frequently encounter alcohol and other substance use disorders in patients with serious mental illnesses. “All too often, heavy drinking interferes with a patient's response to treatment,” said Mark L. Willenbring, M.D., a psychiatrist and the director of treatment and recovery research at the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). The good news, according to Willenbring, is that research has shown promising results with strategies to treat and manage alcohol use disorders that can be intragrated into a variety of clinical settings. From a report published by The Journal of the American Medical Association:

* Thirty-seven percent of alcohol abusers and fifty-three percent of drug abusers also have at least one serious mental illness.

* Of all people diagnosed as mentally ill, 29 percent abuse either alcohol or drugs.

The following psychiatric problems are common to occur in dual diagnosis – i.e., in tandem with alcohol or drug dependency.

* Depressive Disorders, such as depression and bi-polar disorder.

* Anxiety Disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and phobias.

* Other psychiatric disorders, such as schizophrenia and personality disorders.

QUESTION: Which develops first – substance abuse or the emotional problem? It depends. Often the psychiatric problem develops first. In an attempt to feel calmer, more peppy, or more cheerful, a person with emotional symptoms may drink or use drugs; doctors call this self-medication. Frequent self-medication may eventually lead to physical or psychological dependency on alcohol or drugs. If it does, the person suffers from not just one problem, but two.

QUESTION: With mental illness so prevalent among the addicted, how can AA-12 step programs help a mentally ill addict, guide and mentor another mentally ill addict?

     While the 12 step program offers kindred support, medical experts agree it should not replace addicts attempts to receive personal and professional therapy, counseling, and medication for mental health issues. Mental illness is problematic requiring medical attention, care, support and most often medication prescribed by a doctor.

SEXUAL ADDICTION, A SIN CANCER IN THE MIND

     I thank God all my blood work and tests came back as normal, but my blood pressure was extremely high, and I was advised by my doctor to go into the hospital for additional tests. Knowing what had caused my stress and anxiety, I refused and took the blood pressure medication that was prescribed to me. Eventually, Ryan landed in the states and I answered his call, which was one of the most difficult phone calls of my entire life. The only one that could compare was the phone call from my aunt who called me and told me of my brother's industrial accident. My brother was literally cooked alive and died an horrific death (reference story, “Died On The Fourth Of July”). Now I felt like I could die, the grief was so overwhelming. The conversation ensued and was met with what I now know as the addicts denial.

     Still weak and not eating, my body was shutting down, so I went out of state to stay with my parents. Once there, I continued to get worse and was once again faced with going into the hospital. I felt sick to my stomach every time I tried to eat something. I literally had to force myself to eat half a banana and sip some water each day. I was struggling with one of the top three biggest shocks of my life. My body responding to being overwhelmed, was in shock as well.

     One of my most vivid memories was Ryan sarcastically stating, “So what! You act like I gave you cancer or something!” Sexual addiction is a sin cancer that not only consumes the addicted, it consumes the vitality of life for those who are around them. It is devastating knowing the person you love is literally dying a slow death to self. Sex addiction is a sin cancer with self imprinted-burned in pornography images reinforced in the brain. “What we imprint, we repeat” - Dr. Faye Snyder. It literally changes the way your mind works and functions.

“ HURTING PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE!”

     People who are injured end-up transferring their wounds and victimizing others. Hurting people, “hurt people!” I would rather be the person suffering the inflicted “hurt” than the one who is doing the “hurting”. Addicts are self-absorbed and blind to how they affect other people. It is my belief Ryan was an undiagnosed high-functioning individual who suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)*, with the co-occurrence of sexual addiction used to self-medicate his mental and emotional dysregualation. As a pilot having to submit to random drug testing on a regular basis, sex addiction is a logical addiction to assume, for who can tell how often one has masturbated to control the mental instability of BPD, as well as the anxiety and stress of everyday life.

     According to the guideline used in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Ryan's mother, though undiagnosed, appeared to suffer from BPD as well. At one point in her life she suffered a mental breakdown due to emotional dysregualation, stress and anxiety. Her negative, hypercritical-devaluing personality and attitude towards people in general, as well as her angry, raging, intense emotional mood swings, produce an unstable environment of hostility for all who truly know her. She even physically attacked her son in-law when he verbally stood up to her anger, hostility and splitting personality. Her own daughter and son Ryan, were afraid to cross her, preferring to maintain their dysfunctional family dynamics. Ryan even admitted to me on many occasion that others noticed something psychologically wrong with his mother. Many people suffering from the debilitating effects of mental illness are in denial and refuse treatment.

     While recuperating at my parents home from the shock of Ryan's deviant double-life of sexual addiction and acting out, I was nursed back to physical health with their prayers and God's grace, mercy, and love. Feeling stronger, I returned to Atlanta on a mission to not only find educated, God inspired solutions to this sex addiction problem, but to somehow make a difference. Having seen young teens prostituting their bodies on Internet sites, I felt a tremendous burden to warn, and possibly save a young impressionable mind from such mind and soul destruction.

*Borderline Personality Disorder can include but is not limited to: Unstable patterns of social relationships. Intense but stormy attachments with attitudes towards family, friends and loved ones, shifting from idealization to devaluation (black and white thinking). Low anxiety tolerance, poor impulse control, mood instability, aggression, inappropriate anger that is intense, self-injury, emotional amnesia, sensitivity to rejection, and fear of abandonment are also commonly experienced. At first, the relationship with a borderline is filled with loving affirmation, care, security, and being highly valued (idealization stage). An example of the behavior manifestations in the idealization stage can be read in my short story, “Falling For The Stepford Women”. When the relationship becomes established, they transform into a person who is the complete opposite (devaluation-idealization fluctuating). Cold, unreasonable, and emotionally charged with anger and rage due to the least of provocation. They are also experts at trying to project their dysfunctional insecurities onto you. One way to protect yourself in the future is to ask questions in an attempt to find out as much as possible about past relationships and family history of those you become involved with. Person's suffering from BPD seem to be helped most from Dialectical Behavior Therapy, developed by Marsha M. Linehan, Ph.D.. However, even therapists have a difficult time helping borderlines sort out their problems and dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

DISSOCIATION, TRANCE AND THE SEXUAL ADDICTION PROCESS

     Even the ritual search itself excites the sexual addict as their demonic mind feeds on its fantasies, providing the dissociated sexual trance they crave. Modern technology has turned the addicts imaginative, visualization, and association from fantasy to fact. If this description sounds exaggerated I assure you it is not. I have seen it for myself and the words I write do not come close to describing the sexual high hypnotic trance I have seen Ryan go into or heard other women describe when relating their partners behavior.

     Once Ryan lost access to his computer and not receiving his daily Internet sexual fix, he became acutely sensitive to anything or one who remotely looked like a female. This included television commercials, the female weather reporter on the local news, etc... There are many doctors in sex addiction research who have also written about the dissociated trance the sex addict can and does often go into.

     I site a few examples: A. Dean Bryd, Ph.D., MBA, MPH writes concerning the addiction cycle beginning pre-occupation with thoughts of sex, bordering a trance like state. In an article in The Medical Post, by Ann Graham Walker, April 26, 2005, volume 41, issue 16, Addicted to Cybersex - Anonymous, Accessible and Seductive. It also can be a medical problem. Walker writes about an interview with Dr. Sylivain Boies, Ph.D., who is quoted as stating that in her clinical experience, cybersex addiction never comes without some level of dissociation. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., Out of the Shadows, Third Edition, page 27, describes the addiction as an altered state of consciousness.

     Dr. Carnes goes on to explain the normal sexual behavior pales in comparison in terms of excitement and relief from troubles. These dissociated, altered self capacities are often brought on by what I call tunnel vision and hypnosis, which are mentally and physically re-enforced by the anchoring and conditioning response of masturbation. I site R.J. McGuire, et. al, Sexual Deviation as Conditioned Behavior, Behavior Research & Therapy, 1965: vol. 2, p. 185. According to McGuire, “As a man repeatedly masturbates to a vivid sexual fantasy as his exclusive outlet, the pleasurable experiences endow the deviant fantasy with increasing erotic value. The orgasm experienced then provides the critical reinforcing event for the conditioning of the fantasy preceding or accompanying the act”. This sexually deviant masturbatory conditioning response can endow any deviant fantasy. Rape, molesting children and animals, sexual abuse and torture, incest, and the list goes on...

     A few other references supporting deviant masturbatory fantasy significantly affecting the habit strength of the subjects sexual deviation can be found in the work and research done by: D.R. Evans – Masturbatory Fantasy & Sexual Deviation, Behavioral Research & Therapy, 1968: vol. 6, pg. 17. Others include B.T. Jackson – A case of Voyeurism Treated by Counter conditioning, Behavioral Research & Therapy, 1969: vol. 7, p. 133. As the sexual addicts appetite continues to increase, his needed fix becomes more deviant in nature. What was once sexually satisfying no longer does the job. Escalation ensues until the addict develops an all consuming, controlling alter ego. A dark alter ego and personality that often includes references to demonic possession.

RYAN OPENED PANDORA'S BOX

     According to Ryan, his addiction to pornography started at the impressionable young age of eleven. He was visiting a childhood friend who lived nest door, when he found soft core porn magazines underneath their parent's bed. Ryan viewed the pornography magazines, which became the opened Pandora's Box to his sexual obsessions and a life consumed with bondage, obscenity, lust, self-centered narcissistic behavior, sin and sorrow.

     God had placed a burden in my heart not only for Ryan, but for all the women and young teen girls (some of which appeared to be minors), that I had seen on his frequented pornography/prostitution sites. The young teens and women are insecure, wounded, entrapped souls who are lost and in despair. Many who are made to prostitute their bodies are victims of sexual trafficking, slavery and human bondage.

SEXUAL ADDICTION AND THE ADDICT'S FAMILY SEED OF ORIGIN

     Ryan's obsession with pornography, his sexual deviation and behavior, did not happen over night. It began as a negative seed implanted and reinforced in his childhood by parents he trusted most. Sexual addiction has many unhealthy dynamics with the family of origin's maladaptive coping response and behaviors being (according to most respected doctor's of Addictionology), the significant contributing factor. Addiction most often begins as a child is neglected and abused emotionally, physically or both by his caregivers. The child feels unlovable, devalued, disconnected, abandoned, and rejected. Attachment issues ensue which leaves the child in search of a pseudo-relationship to ease feelings of betrayal, pain, sorrow and loneliness.

     Having come to the conclusion that he is unlovable and that people will reject him if they truly knew him he finds a replacement he can manipulate and control. Many doctors claim the sexual addicts etiology includes a pattern of abuse resulting in Post Traumatic Stress and/or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Dr. Faye Snyder, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in trauma therapy and attachment theory, as well as forensic and clinical psychology and author of the “Miracle Child Parent Series”, relates how we are raised as children in her work, Killers Are Made, Not Born. “What we imprint, we repeat. People reveal how they were treated by how they act. What goes in, is what comes out.” Dr. Snyder goes onto describe morbid and invisible neglect, which may lead to the schizoid personality. It results from the minimal social interaction at home and leads into a lack of sentimentality as an adult, due to unmet needs, breaks or wounds, the young child never feels loved, valuable, seen, or understood.

“WE ARE SURROUNDED BY THE SIGNS OF SEXUAL ADDICTION YET STILL RESISITS ITS REALITY” - DR. PATRICK CARNES, Ph.D.

     In his book, Don't Call It Love, Recovery from Sexual Addiction, Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., explains “...the more abused you are as a child, the more addictions you are likely to have as an adult.” He also states in the books introduction; “We are surrounded by the signs of sexual addiction yet still resists its reality.”

     I have witnessed the reality of sexual addiction first hand and I conclude, “It is an axis of evil!” Addiction is often attributed to mental disorders such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar/Manic Depressive Disorder, Soft Bi-Polar Spectrum Disorder (proposed by Perugi and Akiskal), and Anti-Social Personality Disorder, just to name a few. Escape and coping mechanisms such as the use of drugs or an impulse activity, i.e., gambling, food, or sex to relieve depression, stress, anxiety, pain, anger, mood swings, are some of the many side effects of mental disorders and sexual addiction.

WARNING: PORNOGRAPHY AND DEVIANT SEXUAL PROGRAMMING IS DANGEROUS TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH AND HUMANITIES SAFETY.

     God tells us of Heaven in the Bible while also warning humanity of Hell. By relating the raw reality of Ryan's story I hope to warn all who dabble in pornography and the sex industry, as if their sin and behavior has no serious side effects, to read Ryan's story over and over again until you get it! The point I am trying to make is that sex addiction continues to escalate with the sex addict requiring more and more potent, explicit and intense levels of excitement.

     The same can be said of all addictions. The alcoholic and drug addict requiring more of the addictive substance of choice, the obese food addict requiring more food to fill full. A cutter and self-mutilator requiring more or deeper and longer cuts into their body to achieve the release their after, (reference story, “ Pass The Razors, Please”). If a person continues to feed and fuel their sexual lusts they risk the inevitable results of having reached a new level of sin and bondage. The point when the addictive activity or substance controls you, instead of you being in control.

     Warning: Pornography is dangerous to yourself and others! Ted Bundy, serial sexual killer, proclaimed this to be true in his last interview given to Dr. James Dobson before his execution. Many who are incarcerated with in the walls of our prison systems claim the same. We have a world filled with normal looking people, living lives that are filled with abnormal, evil and deviant crime. The double lives of Jeffery Dahmer and the BTK killer, who claimed to be a Christian and was a leader in his church, are just two examples of sexual deviants with evil pathological disturbances of the mind. Wake-up and smell the sin, we are in a war against powerful forces of evil.

     The best analogy of who is winning the war within can be summed up in the following example. Two dogs are fighting with men bidding on the dog who will win. The wise old man sitting on a concrete step looking from a far is asked which dog he thinks will win the fight. He replies in a soft spoken but confident manner, “That is an easy question, the dog who will win is the one who has been fed and trained the most.”

     What kind of training and feeding have you been accustomed to craving and receiving? Crystal Meth, Crack, Heroin? Sex with children after downing a pint of whiskey, and living off pedophile pornography? Prostitution with a dose of drugs on the side? Sexual torture and mutilation with a side of cannibalism? Death and doom massacre video games rehearsing a mass murder attempt? Or have you been feeding on the Holy Bible, the inspired word of God? Feeding and caring for the homeless or less fortunate? Giving of your time, energy, and money to making a positive and loving difference in the world around you. What you feed upon not only determines what side you are on but also determines the strength of your position (reference story, “Don't Feed The Pig – He Could End Up As Big As Hogzilla” by Synthia Esther).

ADDICTS ESCAPE MECHANISM

     Ryan, like most addicts in society, often seek escape as means of protecting their addiction. Through out my years of research, as well as the many books I have read on the subject, protection of the addition is a top priority. Many addicts have spent most of their lives living a double life managing its highs and lows, that to live without it feels like the death of a close family member or friend. The addict will lie, harm, strive to manipulate and control anyone who threatens their addiction supply. In an addicts life their addiction will always come first.

     When you see and know a person who has repeated marriages or relationships that end abruptly and/or repeated sudden moves to another city, town, state, or country, many times it is an escape pattern. Each time they get caught they become more intelligent at hiding their addictions and are keen on the opportunity of starting over again. Darla left her husband Ryan suddenly. She shared employment in the same guard unit with Ryan being her military superior. She left the marriage causing no harm to her career by simply smiling, claiming all along irreconcilable differences. Would you have done the same thing if in her shoes?

FACTS AND FALSEHOODS OF RYAN'S STORY

     Let's recount the facts (most names have been changed), now noticing the red flags. Ryan is a sex addict who lives in desperate need of continual affirmation, attention, and nurture due to a childhood of emotional distance, physical deprivation of love and abuse. He has had several romantic relationships in his life that were co-existential. He usually has a predominate relationship, this time it is Roslyn, the young lady he met at a church. But he keeps another relationship, this time it is Darla, who he met at work, going on the side for a never ending assurance of affirmation and attention.

     In his alone time he continues with his Internet activities, chat rooms, live web cam sexual fantasy relationships, prostitution activities, dating sites, voyeur tendencies, hard core pornography habits and what ever else his deviant mind so chooses to do. He uses his military trained compartmentalization techniques, excuses of hard work and having so little time to carry off his relationship agenda's.

     Ryan finally breaks his engagement to Roslyn stating he wasn't ready to get married and needed space. Then he marries Darla, because of her education, ambition and status as a pilot which makes him and his mother feel better about themselves. According to Ryan his mother stated Roslyn, who was a veterinarians assistant, wasn't ambitious enough for her only son. He and Darla dated nine months (at least five to six months of which he was still engaged to Roslyn), when they secretly got married in a civil ceremony at the court house.

     Months later, while still acting as if they were single they plan a church wedding and get married in front of all their family and friends. Why? Because active addicts live such an emotionally draining life of chaos they desperately seek control. Most addicts are also deceptive master manipulators who hate surprises. Meanwhile, Roslyn finds out Ryan has been married to Darla for over a month when she receives a causal note from Ryan's mother.

     The reality is that he had been married for five or six months because he and Darla secretly got married the first time at the court house in April, with their second church wedding in October of the same year. The following is an e-mail sent from Ryan to Roslyn's best girl friend – Kathy. The e-mails are non-edited appearing exactly as written.

RYAN WRITES:

...sorry to hear Roslyn is not dating much yet. I have been in her position before (engaged and then broken up with) and I remember it took me 6 months to date again and a full 3 years to trust the girls I was dating! That is too long. She is smart though and has a good faith so I bet she knows deep down to trust in the Lord instead. Men are human and therefore fallible, so they may or may not let you down, in dating or any other area in life, but God never will. If she has no desire to date just because she has no desire, that's one thing, but if it's anything else like fear of getting hurt again or dwelling on the past, there may be a greater problem at hand. Sometimes we look for other people to blame about how we feel, but it's really not the boy's fault – they are just following their instincts to pursue a relationship with a women that they are attracted to. Perhaps you could say they're insensitive, but maybe it's just they don't really understand what she's been through or haven't experienced her feelings the way she has. I agree you're too close to the situation to be impartial and that's ok too, so am I. Kathy God led me to a decision to get engaged. He led me to a decision to get un-engaged. He has reinforced to me every day since that it was the right decision. Do we dare question His reasons? Don't we agree that He is a loving Father who lets us experience our joys and our sorrows in order to “grow” us up in Him? Who are we to say “This is right” or “What happened to me was wrong” if we believe that God is completely and supremely in control of our lives? My Granny died on Nov. 19. It was his call, not mine. I have moved on, and she will need to do the same, or else forfeit her right, as a child of God, to live the life that he wants to reveal to her – one that is more abundantly joyful than she may have imagined previously. I hope this helps. I feel like it needed to be said.

I received Roslyn's gift of Guideposts magazine last week. That was very sweet and I have been reading every issue I've received for the last year and I plan to continue this coming year. Please pass along my thank you.

Love, Ryan

KATHY'S E-MAIL RESPONSE TO RYAN:

Ryan...I don't know what to say. I agree with some of what you said, but it is hard for me to believe that you mean what you say. I feel like you have not been honest with Roslyn for so long...where to begin. How's this...I cannot fathom the fact that you allowed Roslyn to find out in a casual note from your mother that you have been married for over a month. She feels like you were never the person you portrayed yourself to be and I have to say – I feel the same. I did not approve of the way you broke up with her...even more so now, because you were obviously seeing Darla at least part of the time that you were engaged to Roslyn. It's a little difficult to hear you quoting scripture and invoking God's plans for her life when the reality is that all of the honor and integrity that she believed you had seems to have been false. I am no saying you should have not have broken up with her...you must have fallen out of love. But Ryan...what a terrible way for her to find out about your unfaithfulness. You should have been honest with Roslyn in March and owned up to your real reasons for terminating the engagement. I know you, Ryan. You couldn't have fallen in love with Darla and married her in just six months. Roslyn has been misused twice now, through no fault of her own. You owe her an apology...and she needs to be able to try and forgive you. This is so hard, Ryan. I think you truly must have no idea what you have done- because otherwise I would be convinced you are a monster. This was very difficult for me to write. I have always looked up to you as a friend and spiritual leader. After listening to Roslyn's sobbing on the phone for an hour. It is a bit easier to tell you these things.

FACTS AND FALSEHOODS CONTINUE TO REVEAL THE MONSTER WITHIN

     Ryan is married for two and a half years when his wife Darla puts the pieces together, finds out about Ryan's extra curricular activities and abruptly leaves the marriage. As his wife she had more leverage than I had. I did have Ryan's power of attorney, however, in a court of law that is not as beneficial as a wife's sworn testimony. Because Darla choose to walk away, the next woman falls prey to Ryan's mask of deception, which was me.

     Nine to ten months after Darla's exit, Ryan and I meet. We date for two and a half years when God's providence allows me to find out about Ryan's double life, and sexually acting out compulsions. Coming from a ministerial back ground, I begin to educate myself concerning sexual addiction and confront the issues (sin and shame thrive on secrets – Ephesians 5:11). Silence, in my opinion, is as bad as the abuse. The truth exposed brings light to the situation. The lie and its power is broken.

     I purchased recommended books to help Ryan in the recovery process, found one of the top sex addiction psychologist's and therapy services, and a Christian 12-step group for sex addiction, passing the information on. Upon much pastoral advice and after I had inadvertently gotten two other professional people involved, I turn the computer over to police so as not to be charged with accessory to a crime as well as to protect the minors involved. Ryan had often used my home phone line for Internet dial up and viewing minor teens on pornography sites and web cams is a crime. A minor is anyone under 18 years of age and in some states, 16 years of age.

RYAN ATTENDS A TWELVE STEP SEXUAL ADDICTION SUPPORT GROUP

     Ryan, who is believed to be without a computer continues to act out but he calls it by a new 12 step groups label, “slip ups”. The 12 step “Christian” sex support group exchanges stories on how they are trying to beat their sexual addiction but continue to have slip ups getting caught in predator crimes of compulsive promiscuity, voyeuristic activities, exhibitionism, frequenting massage parlors (most being a cover for prostitution), group sex, incest, sex with minors, bestiality (sex with animals), escort services, prostitution (possibly involving human sexual slavery and trafficking).

12 - STEP MEMBERS JOKE CONCERNING HOW THEY GOT CAUGHT

     The 12 step group members also joke concerning how they got caught. Ryan recounted with a smile how often he was encouraged to retell his story of getting caught by leaving me his personal computer when going to war in Iraq, to the amusement and laughter of fellow 12 step group members. The lack of sensitivity and careless disregard for the heart of those who are left to suffer the reality and aftermath of the addicts double life is obviously not considered during such “bonding” episodes. I personally do not find such action genuinely repentant, or humble in heart.

     According to Ryan, they usually have a Bible study segment, then confess time and prayer (this is a Christian 12 step group). During the confession time, he and/or fellow 12 step members are encouraged to confess temptation problems they may have had during the week, or an indiscretion (slip-up). At which time he receives a pat on the back and advice, “That's all right, you'll do better tomorrow, don't beat yourself up about it”, from his fellow 12 step sex addict group members. This is all done in the guise of compassion, acceptance, intimacy and bonding. Love and acceptance is very important, but so is taking responsibility for your actions. What does God's word proclaim concerning this scenario?

GOD'S WORD PROCLAIMS THE OPPOSITE PROCLAMATION CONCERNING THE LACK OF SPIRITUAL CONVICTION AND REPENTANCE OF THOSE WHO'S ACTIONS ARE NOT SINCERE (2nd PETER 2:1-22).

     False teachers, destructive heresies, many will follow their shameful ways, following corrupt desire of the sinful nature and despise authority. Verse 17-22, These men are springs without water and mists driven by a storm. Blackest darkness is reserved for them. (18) For they mouth empty, boastful words and, by appealing to the lustful desires of sinful human nature, they entice people who are just escaping from those who live in error. (19) They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity – for a man is slave to whatever has mastered him. (20) If they have escaped the corruption of the world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and are again entangled in it and overcome, they are worse off at the end than they were at the beginning. (21) It would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than to have known it and then to turn their backs on the sacred command that was passed on to them, (22) Of them the proverbs are true: “A dog returns to it's vomit,” and, “A sow that is washed goes back to her wallowing in the mud.” Proverbs 26:11, “A dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.”

A PERSON REAPS WHAT HE SOWS

     The word slip-ups is not in the Bible, the words “sin and transgression” are. Our choice to sin, becoming a conduit for evil and wickedness in life has consequences. A person reaps what he sows. One cannot explain their addictive lifestyle choices away by proclaiming, “the devil made me do it”, taking no responsibility for their sin. James 1:14-15, “but each one is tempted when, by his “own” evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. (15) Then, “after” desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown gives birth to death”, (reference article, “Addiction Definition and Hypothesis”).      Demonic possession and/or oppression does occur, however, this process begins with our choice to yield to such temptation and evil wrong doing. The more we yield, the stronger the temptation and more wicked we become. An addict craves his addictive fix. Proverbs 21:20, “The wicked man craves evil; his neighbor gets no mercy from him.” Proverbs 25:28, “Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control.” Proverbs 18:3, “When wickedness comes, so does contempt, and with shame comes disgrace.”

ADDICTION IS A CHOICE!

     Addiction is a process of choice, not a disease. There are many who agree with my stance on the addiction process who do not tout a Christian bent in opinion and philosophy. Jeffrey A. Schaler, Ph.D. , author of “Addiction is a Choice, published in 2000 by Open Court Publishers, Chicago, Thomas Szasz views concerning the disease and addiction model are also quite compelling and thought provoking. Joann Ellison Rodgers article, “Addiction – A Whole New View” in Psychology Today gives several doctoral opinions that turns ones disease model to mush.

     My favorite research article was presented by ABC News, U.S., “Is Addiction Just A Matter Of Choice?”, in which addicts themselves comment on their addictive choices. Former addict Frey states: “I stopped because I have my own 12-step program and the first 11 steps don't mean {expletive} and the 12th is don't do it. And I didn't do it.” Frey goes onto explain, “You can't tell people, 'This is all you're fault and there's nothing you can do about it,' you have to tell them 'This is all you're fault and you can make it all better if you want to.'” Frey goes onto say he still gets drunk, explaining he gets drunk differently. “I get drunk on walking my dogs, I get drunk on, you know, kissing my wife. I get drunk on a good book. Getting drunk is just doing something that feels good.” Frey is right, and so is God – James 1:14-15.

THE FEAR OF GOD IS THE BEGINNING OF WISDOM

     The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, but fools despise wisdom and discipline (Proverbs 1:7). “Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (Proverbs 26:12). By instilling in sacred pursuit (Proverbs chapter 2), God's Biblical will, commands and precepts within our heart, mind and soul, we learn by way of God's intervention and providence to adhere to His word and thus grow in spiritual maturity. We learn to fear the consequences of our sinful actions and the deliberate choices we make. We realize that it was good to be afflicted so that we might learn of God's decrees (Psalm 119:71). “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow His precepts have good understanding” - Psalm 111:10.

     Hebrews 12:11, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” We are warned and instilled with Godly discipline concerning the fear of God, because of the love of God. Ezekiel 36:27, “And I will put My Spirit in you and move you to follow My decrees and be careful to keep My laws.”

DIE FOR LACK OF DISCIPLINE, OR FEAR THE LORD WHICH LEADS TO LIFE

     For a man's ways are in full view of the Lord, and He examines all his paths. The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast. He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly (Proverbs 5: 21-23). The fear of the Lord leads to life: Then one rests content, untouched by trouble (Proverbs 19:23).

PERFECT LOVE CAST OUT FEAR

     When we truly fall in love with God we have nothing to fear, because perfect love cast out fear (1st John 4:18). We pray, In God's will be done, because we trust in Him. God equates fear as the beginning of wisdom to ultimately lead us towards the revelation of His love, which takes us back to His greatest commandment, Deuteronomy 6:5, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all soul and with all your strength.” The Lord commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear the Lord our God, so that we might always prosper and be kept alive, as is the case today (Deuteronomy 6:24).

     While many addicts continue in their double life, and many co-dependent personality types remain in denial to their man made idols, I for one am thank-full for the lesson of forgiveness. I regret it took me so long to realize the significance of my life's spiritual lessons, but am forever grateful to God and His merciful grace that I did. We are the sum total of our experiences and circumstances in life (motives), unless we realize the “spiritual significance” behind the sum total of our life experiences, (spiritual growth and maturity). Synthia Esther reference article, “The Secret Law Of Attraction – A False Reality Of A Conceptual Manner”.

LIFE LESSONS – WE ARE ALL A WORK IN PROGRESS

     If it weren't for my past relationship with Ryan bringing me to my knees, I would have possibly gone around the mountain a few more times before I realized this important “truth” that transforms. The life lessons we are to learn usually appear in different ways and circumstances along the journey, but their “soul” purpose is always the same, “to grow us up in Christ.”

     Spiritual transformation means much more than having faith in your faith and placing dependence on salvation's prayer or the act of baptism. The sinner's prayer and baptism is only the beginning of our journey with Christ, as we learn the spiritual truths within God's word to place our faith and trust in Him. God's laws endure to this day, for all things serve Him (Psalm 119:91). For even Christ did not please Himself but, as it is written: “The insults of those who insult you have fallen on Me.” For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope (Romans 15:3-4). We are all a work in progress.

RYAN SEEKS OUT A FEMALE COUNSELING INTERN

     Prior to his 12 step group meeting Ryan goes up to the blond female psychology major who ironically favors Amber Fry (Scott Peterson's ex-girl friend in the Lacy Peterson case), and ironically Ryan reminds me of Scott Peterson. She is doing her internship and is in charge of the EAA (eating addiction), 12 step group. Ryan inquires about receiving personal counseling from her, ( to this day I still shake my head and laugh when I recall this incident).

     Many different 12 step groups meet within the same building participating in a large group orientation before dividing up into specific need 12 step groups. Ryan had been going to an experienced, well respected older male counselor I researched and found before beginning a 12 step program, however Ryan felt compelled and attracted to the female counselor. His reasoning? She was a younger female with a different perspective.

     When I decided to attend one of the 12 step women support groups, Ryan and I drove together. I believe knowing there was a possibility I might find out about the incident prompted Ryan to confess his inquiry. At this point Ryan's chaotic behavior became even more bazaar due to not being able to act out sexually. The police having his computer and fear of being watched, caused Ryan to change his lifestyle suddenly and dramatically. Ryan's sexual demons were hungry (Synthia Esther reference article, “Don't Feed The Pig – He Could End Up As Big As Hogzilla”). Ultimately Ryan changed his mind concerning counseling sessions with the female intern, stating he didn't feel it was safe to do so.

     I have also come to realize a professional counselor is only as good as her or his life experiences enable them to be. Ryan, just like Scott Peterson is very convincing. Most young professional counseling interns would miss the mark unable to discern the mask behind the motives. Ryan's smooth, calculating, self assured personality is charismatic in appeal.

USUALLY MASK ONLY FOOL THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW YOU!

     I was of the opinion, “If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, its a duck! Now I conclude, “ If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it might... be a duck. Then again it could be a monster in a duck suit!”

     Ryan continues to attend the church he and I once attended together (I now go to another church), and he becomes involved with the singles Sunday school class. According to Ryan, he informs them he is in a 12 step recovery group but fails to mention it is for sexual addiction. He becomes a voice of inspiration to many who know him within the class.

     The Sunday school teacher then asks him to speak and mentor others within the church with their drug and alcohol problems including his own teenage son. Such nativity is not unusual concerning addiction and 12 step programs. Most people automatically think of addiction as a drug or alcohol problem. Ryan becomes a mentor even attending the church's young male and female teen sports events. Meanwhile, he becomes even smarter at hiding his addictions as well as learning additional methods of enhancing or satisfying his cravings from stories of fellow 12 step group members.

THE FIFTH STEP CONFESSIONAL

     Step number five of the twelve steps is; Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. This step is a confession session to a fellow group member of everything and anything that they have ever done in regards to their sexual addiction and acting out. Sexual addicts acting out examples can include but are not limited to; using dogs or animals for sex (bestiality), or confessions on how they seduced their own children, step children, nephews, nieces, or neighbors, rape, use massage polars (most include hand jobs, oral sex, and “any” other type of sex you desire for a little extra money), and the list goes on and on.

     You can read of Ryan's fifth step confession session with Anthony under reference article, Bestiality and Zoophilia. Ryan states he's a changed man and continues to try to get me to come back to him, with repeated requests to get married and the lure of forgetting the past and starting over again in another city. He even offers to purchase me a few months old sports car if I will stay with him and work it all out. God knows I needed another car, and “God” has since provided one.

     Ryan is a pilot, he can travel and move anywhere he wants. I am not interested in a romantic relationship with Ryan, and after over a year of trying he goes back to Roslyn who he has once again kept in the wings. Ryan began conversing with Roslyn again after following the ninth-step procedure: “ Make direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” Ryan confirms to Roslyn he is in a 12 step program, leaving out the details, at which time he claims she responded by stating she had a shopping addiction. Roslyn finally gets an apology from Ryan.

WELCOME TO THE LIFE STYLES OF THE INFAMOUS AND ADDICTED

     Sweet Roslyn, even after Ryan dumped her to marry Darla she continued to stay in contact with Ryan by occasionally calling his mother and by sending him a prescription to guide post magazine in care of his parents. Roslyn takes Ryan back negating and dismissing her instinctive voice of reason (we all have one). I had done the same thing when I dismissed Ryan's mood swings, anger and control problems blaming it on job loss, 911, the war and possible Post Traumatic Stress. However, feeling there is no excuse for abuse, I was in no way ready to marry Ryan. I preferred to wait until Ryan's commitment in the Air National Guard was over to determine if his personality and anger problems would subside after his war involvement came to an end. He had already been recalled to work, employed by the commercial airline he was with.

     Now Ryan's words had changed according to his emotional narcissistic needs. He told Roslyn the reason he left her to marry Darla was because he didn't feel he was worthy of her. He first told me the reason was because Roslyn was not motivated or ambitious enough for him. Ryan also mentioned in a brief happen chance conversation that he was seeing Roslyn again and that she had gained weight but he still thought she was beautiful. Why did Ryan mention Roslyn's weight gain? Sex addicts view their choice of prey as objects, not people. Flesh to be used for their narcissistic obsessive needs. With each of Ryan's personal transitions came subsequent moves.

     Virginia to West Virginia to New York, New York to Atlanta, Atlanta to West Virginia, back to Atlanta, then back to New York where Roslyn lives and these are just the past moves I am aware of. Welcome to the life style's of the infamous and addicted. Chaos, drama, pain and sorrow, all the while protecting the secrets that bind them to their addiction and leaving a trail of pain and hardship behind them. How many red flags did you count? The addicts drama continues on...on...and on...

THE SAGA CONTINUES...

     Saga questions...What will the police do with Ryan's computer? Will they take the time to check out his c-drive and chat room logs? Will they seek counsel concerning minors and obscenity laws? Or will the police refuse to look into the matter based on legal ramifications and military involvement?* Will Ryan, a military trained war pilot learn better ways to hide his sexual addiction and acting out? Or will Roslyn find out the rest of Ryan's story? Will she gain more weight if she does find out? Or will she go on a mass shopping spree? How long will it take for Roslyn to figure out Ryan's double life? Will she deny the facts remaining true to the co-dependent personality type? Or has she started listening to the wisdom of her inner spiritual warnings?

     Will Ryan find another co-dependent relationship and/or lover while keeping Roslyn in the wings? Or will he satisfy his sexual urges with prostitution services? Will he press her for marriage in a secret ceremony at their local court house? I have her full name, address and phone number, do you think I will call Roslyn and rat on Ryan? Would you? Or has Ryan already gotten bored with the ever available Roslyn and continued on to new sexual quests?

     Will Ryan continue to be the perfect Uncle offering to give his two young nieces bubble baths and playing with them during family visits? Such activities were very much enjoyed by him with his nieces in the past. After listening to Anthony's fifth step confessional has Ryan learned additional methods of seducing them? Or will he leave his nieces alone and use his sisters dog to satisfy his sexual perversions?

     It is this sort of continual drama and chaos in the life of a sexual addict and co-dependent addict that perpetuates the cycling pattern of addiction. I have no desire to contact Roslyn, she probably wouldn't believe me even if I did tell her the facts. If you think you can save an addict or co-dependent personality type, you are fooling yourself. Only God can save and change an addictive personality, and only God can save any one of us!

* Ryan is no longer in the military.

BEING UNEQUALLY YOKED

     From the day I found out about Ryan and his addicted deviant double life of the sexually obscene I believed we were spiritually unequally yoked, not meant for marriage, and our relationship as we knew it was over. 2nd Corinthians 6:14-15, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? (15) What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?”

     1st Corinthians 2:14, “The man without the spirit does not accept the things that come from the spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned.” Proverbs 13:6, “Righteousness guards the man of integrity, but wickedness over throws the sinner.” Psalm 1:6, “For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.”

RECOVERY FROM SEXUAL ADDICTION

     Through my research efforts I learned people who reach the stage of sexual addiction Ryan was in would require a lifelong recovery battle. Their excessive use of sex as a coping mechanism becomes compulsive. Sexual compulsions then become needed in regulating nero-chemical imbalances. Obsessive Compulsive behavior as well as Post Traumatic Stress are disorders most doctors relate common in treating addictions. Dr. Patrick Carnes book, “Don't Call It Love, Recovery Form Sex Addiction,” Bantam books, page 142, relates that once this point is reached, addicts cannot undo all the damage even with help. Significant shifts have occurred which leave them forever vulnerable to their addiction.

“ SEX ADDICTS, AS WELL AS MANY PEOPLE IN LIFE, MISTAKE INTENSITY FOR INTIMACY.”

     Since the addiction draws its strength from so many sources, perfectionism, abuse experience, shame, nero-chemistry, social interest, and culture – compulsive use always remains an option. The sexual addict, as well as many people in life, mistake intensity for intimacy. Addiction does not go away nor does the excitement from temptation cease to occur within the fallen world we live in. God can and does walk with us through our struggles and hardships. His holy word, love, grace and mercy remain a constant in leading man towards living a victorious life.

     Dr. Carnes outlines a three years plus section in his book that deals with the struggles of an addicts perseverance and focus towards the transformation of his addiction. The family of origin work is detailed and addressed. Some of which include; fear of intimacy, conflict resolution, abuse acknowledgment, and secrets exposed. Feelings of love and care that were never acknowledged can be felt and expressed.

“TEMPTATION COMES THROUGH THE DOOR DELIBERATELY LEFT OPEN”

     While I was the one God used to confront Ryan's sexual addiction, I realized even though we opened the door to recovery, it is him alone who has to walk through it. The last time I talked to Ryan was on Jan 26, 2006 (I have since changed my phone number). He had moved back to New York, was not involved with a 12 step group nor was he seeing a professional therapist. He also didn't speak of God, his progress or his spiritual journey towards recovery. Temptation comes through the door deliberately left open. Perhaps Ryan came to terms with the fact we would never be together again - romantically, giving up on his recovery preferring to remain in his double life. God only knows.

     I am at peace with myself in having done what God wanted me to do, showing Ryan the road to recovery, and the healing benefits of honesty, integrity, personal introspection and spiritual renewal. For a while I struggled with making the right decisions. Ryan knows I loved him dearly (having fallen in love with a false persona of who I “thought” he was). He also knows my reaction to his sexual addiction was one of tough love. I also have no doubt in my mind that Ryan knows God has dealt with his sin, offering him a way out in a direct and personal way providing evidence of His unfailing mercy, grace and love.

     1st Corinthians 10:13, “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” Ryan was in the super-man stage of addiction which includes delusions of grander. While he has moved on probably thinking he is now too smart to ever get caught again, God's word says otherwise. Proverbs 16:4, “The Lord works out everything for His own ends – even the wicked for a day of disaster.”

CALL ME IN THREE YEARS

     During one of the last conversations I had with Ryan, I reiterated that he could call me in three years and let me know how he's doing in his recovery process. I based my knowledge on different writings of research among doctors within the sex addictionology field which claim a three to five year period before recovery gains are more apparent.* I genuinely care and pray for Ryan's soul and his spiritual condition. Ryan scoffed at the idea stating, “Three years!” Leaving Ryan to his own demise in making or breaking his addictive habits and destructive double life proved to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. Not only for myself, but for Ryan as well.

     When you leave the relationship and pain behind you the addict has no one to blame but himself for his continued rise or fall along the spiritual journey of forgiveness and acceptance of God's love. When or if he doesn't follow through on his road to recovery you are left out of the link to suffer his projection of failure. Ryan chose to retreat and run to re-establish his life's shallow security. One can run but they can never hide. God knows the secrets that you keep.

* Addicts had an average of 5.1 + 3.9 years in recovery; Jennifer P. Schneider, M. Deborah Corley, and Richard R. Irons, “Surviving Disclosure of Infidelity: Results of an International Survey of 164 Recovering Sex Addicts and Partners”, Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 5 (3) : 189-218, 1998. Dr. Patrick Carnes also documents like results in his book, “Don't Call It Love – Recovery From Sex Addiction.”

THE GOOD SAMARITAN

OUR SPIRITUAL JOURNEY IN LIFE IS GOD'S SPIRITUAL PLAN

     Thieves stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. The good Samaritan offered help, taking the injured man to an inn. The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper to take care of him stating, “...when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have” (Luke 10:30-35). What is first apparent in this Biblical example is a heart of concern, care and the ability to show kindness and love within the heart of the Samaritan. The second significant fact within my mind, is that the Samaritan didn't cancel his trip.

     A co-dependent person usually cancels his/her journey in life preferring to stay around and control, handle, and often enable their addicted partners problems. It is only by surrendering our problems to God that we grow in faith allowing Him to handle the outcome. God uses the process of our life's journey to accomplish a far greater eternal purpose and plan (2 Corinthians 4:17-18). Our spiritual journey in life is God's spiritual plan.

     I have been asked what I would have done if Ryan did follow through, dedicated to abolish sins bondage in his life.* I can't think on what could have been. That in and of itself is useless wasted energy. God's truth in my life means facing each experience being in the moment, relishing the truths of experience only that moment can bring. When facing life's circumstances of joy, pain, or sorrow, the realization of God's purpose and plan begins to unravel the sentiments of meritocracy. To expand in spirit and in truth means to accept the fact that we may not always understand everything that has happened in our life, but God does. In His hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind (Job 12:10). We can choose to follow our Father's guidance and grow in spiritual strength and maturity, or we can wallow in self pity, sin and destruction.

     While the cycle of life brings both elation and joy, our lessons are most often learned through our trials and tribulations. Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. Who have been called according to his purpose.” I thank God for his protection, providence and the many lessons I have learned in my lifetime. Wisdom comes when sorrows pain is felt and life changes become more self evident (reference story, “My Sacred Journey Home”).

* Bondage to sin defined according to Biblical reference:

1st Peter 2:19-22, “They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity – for a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him. (20) If they have escaped the corruption of the world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and are again entangled in it and overcome, they are worse off at the end than they were at the beginning. (21) It would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than to have known it and then to turn their backs on the sacred command that was passed on to them. (22) Of them the proverbs are true: “A dog returns to his vomit,” and, “A sow that is washed goes back to her wallowing in the mud.” Proverbs 26:11, “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.”

AA 12 STEP PROGRAMS – HONORING A FALSE GOD?

     AA 12 step Programs: The 12 step programs are based on a person's perception of any “god” personally deemed as a higher power, which the Bible claims is idol worship, not the true Messiah Jesus Christ. If a person researches A.A. founder Bill Wilson*, they will come to know that Wilson traded his alcohol addiction for sex addiction (it is common for addicts to exchange one addiction for another).

      Wilson's life example included seducing many women he found attractive who came to A.A. for recovery help, and the faithful security of a higher power. Perhaps Bill Wilson considered himself that higher power, holding true to the addicts mentality of grandiosity. When we place our faith in other “gods”, we place our faith in vain. For co-dependent's that “god” is usually the addict. A Biblical story concerning this fact can be read in 1st Kings chapter 18 – comparing a false “god” and the one true God.

     A.A. is a highly profitable business, touted by health professionals, law enforcement and government officials (including judges), and is said to have helped many participants. However, the true recovery statistic's for A.A. participants is very low, with many researchers claiming like results if one strove to beat addiction on their own. What the A.A. program does provide, in my opinion, is kindred support and acceptance. This same attitude of Christian stewardship and service should also be available within the local church, but am sad to admit most of the time it is not, with few people willing to become spiritual mentor's. It is difficult for an addict to feel the love and acceptance of Jesus Christ when within a religious institution or organization they are judged so harshly. This too is a life lesson. Those who live with out sin throw the first stone.

* Nan Robertson, “Getting Better: Inside Alcoholics Anonymous”, (1988). Robertson writes: “Particularly during his sober decades in A.A. in the forties, fifties, and sixties, Bill Wilson was a compulsive womanizer. His flirtations and his adulterous behavior filled him with guilt, but he continued to stray off the reservation. His last and most serious love affair...began when he was in his sixties. She was important to him until the end of his life, and was remembered in a financial agreement with A.A. (pg. 36).” Wilson's last mistress, Helen W., is reported to have received 1.5% of the royalties from the Big Book after Wilson's death. A follower of A.A., Robertson also writes to demystify the role of religion in A.A., and gives a personal account that touches on issues of chemical dependency. Robertson reports with honesty, Bill Wilson during post-sobriety experimented with LSD and other chemicals. She concludes that alcohol addiction relates to other facets of life, including depression and physical illness. Her opinion continues to substantiate the mental illness, depression, and addiction correlation that is said to exist according to many experts and researchers.

GOD THE FATHER DISICPLINES HIS CHILDREN

     Proverbs 15:32, “He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.” Proverbs 12:1, “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates corrections is stupid.” God loved Ryan so much He allowed him to get caught in his double life of sin. God also allowed me the opportunity for growth when presented with a difficult decision. This wasn't the first time God had dealt with Ryan concerning his double life, sex-addiction and promiscuity. And this wasn't the first time I became involved with a man who was only interested in my looks and natural breast size.

     After his divorce from Darla, Ryan attended a church divorce recovery group which included work book pages of personal introspection. Within that folder of information left in storage at my house, I found and read Ryan had researched the subject of sex addiction for himself. In a hand written note on one of the sex addiction 12 step work sheets of information Ryan wrote, “God does not hold you responsible for things beyond your control”.

     Unfortunately, Ryan once again deceived himself. Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.” We should not live according to our thoughts and feelings, but according to God's word. Ezekiel 36:26-27, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. (27) And I will put My Spirit in you and move you to follow My decrees and be careful to keep My laws.”

     Feelings come and go, but God's word never fails, it is tested, tried and true. God hates sin and He does hold us accountable for our free will choices. To obey is better than sacrifice (1st Samuel 15:22). God is all loving and merciful, providing lessons of warning and experience to bring His cherished prodigal child home. When that happens He welcomes you back with His open arms of grace, mercy and love.

     Hebrews 12 :1-7, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. (2) Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the Cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (3) Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (4) In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. (5) And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, (6) because the Lord disciplines those He loves, and punishes everyone He accepts as a son. (7) Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?”

     Hebrews 12:11-13, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (12) Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. (13) Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.” Philippians 2:12-13 “...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, (13) for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.” God brought you to this point in your life by His providential grace, mercy and love. I pray you grow in faith, becoming the person He created you to be!

GUARD YOUR HEART

     Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” I pray all who read of Ryan's foolish pleasure, will gain added awareness, education, edification, solutions, warnings, and Biblical knowledge to not only guard their hearts but protect their spirits core. Satan has corrupt plans to destroy your life, and everyone and everything you love and hold dear to your heart.

     Addiction is an axis of evil! God offers you a life filled with hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). He loves you with an ever lasting, devoted, unconditional love, and His guidance and direction goes before you. Like Ryan, your life choices reflect your hearts spiritual condition. If you don't know Jesus Christ as your personal savior and friend you can do so right now by repeating the following simple prayer.

Jesus Christ,

     I come before You with a heart that needs Your redeeming love, mercy and grace. I believe your death, resurrection, and the power of Your shed blood provided for my salvation. I ask you to forgive me of my sins and come into my heart. By faith, I thank You for creating in me a new heart filled with Your Holy Spirit. Amen.

     John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Jesus Christ was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification (Romans 4:25). Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen (1st Peter 5:7-11).

* While the facts within this story are true, most names have been changed.

ADDITIONAL READING RESOURCES BY SYNTHIA ESTHER:

     A Free Gift, Addiction Definitions And Hypothesis, Sex Addiction/Escalation Warning Signs, Co-Dependency Delusions Of Reality, Internet Pornography, Child Exploitation and Crime*, I Paid For Sex With A Prostitute*, A Prostitute's Story*, My Sacred Journey Home, Your Pain Has A Purpose, Surviving The Storm, Have Faith In God, Don't Feed The Pig – He Could End Up As Big As Hogzilla, Bestiality And Zoophilia*, Eat The Dog Food*, Wicked Games People Play, Falling For The Stepford Woman, Integrity, The Narrow Road To Life, The Power Of Prayer, Forgiving Their Trespasses, Divine Destiny And The Path OF Forgiveness, God's Law Of Defeasance, The Secret Law OF Attraction – A False Reality Of A Conceptual Manner, Planting Seed, Advancing The Kingdom, Died On The Forth OF July, Success And Approval Addiction – Am I There Yet?
* Warning: Some articles contain graphic sexual content. Parental discretion is advised.

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     We at Synthia Esther Ministries, pray this free information has helped you in your search for answers to any questions you may have had concerning addictions, with specific details pertaining to pornography and sexual addiction. In order to continue to provide this free informative service and outreach we depend solely on your contributions. If we have helped you in anyway, we pray you will pass it forward by supporting and donating to our purposeful cause. Thank-you on behalf of others who will gleam knowledge because of your generosity and benevolence.